unrequited letters.

i want someone to love me as much as i love my friends. 

i started thinking about this horse i rode when i first started. his name was henry. he was fantastic. i think about how i used to go see him every day but then eventually i grew out out of him. i stopped riding him and leveled up. i slowed drifted away from giving him treats and then i eventually i stopped caring about him completely. It was just a matter of growing up i suppose. but i’m not sure. that’s how i relate my dad. i feel horrible for not getting along with him although to my side i guess he treated me like shit so he didn’t deserve better than what he’s got. he doesn’t need to be with my mom though.

and another thing. 

it’s “i love you”. 

not “love you” “love ya” “luv ya” “heart you” blah blah. none of those phrases have ever rang sincere to me, they’re such a cop out. 

the longer i’m away from home the more i realize that i love my dog more than i care for anyone else. and i miss my cat more than i miss anyone i know or have ever known. 

sometimes i feel like i want to kill myself. doesn’t anyone else feel that way? i’ve tried to no avail. and i’m a little bit of a romantic. so you know, whatever. my thoughts. whatever. who cares. if i didn’t have my parents and my friends and my pets, i’d slit my wrists again. or O.D. on the vicodin that i have in my cabinet. i could chug a bottle of rum or vodka. it wouldn’t matter to me but apparently i mean something to the people that know me. i can’t understand why. 

so i walk alone

found out my boy went on our first date without me, don’t know how i feel about that. it kind of makes me sad but it’s whatever i suppose. at this point. i know he’ll break up with me eventually. he’s so young. why do i waste my time? i don’t know. i want to get married. i guess. to the right person. i love my friends and i guess that’s all i need for now. i just wish that i could be good enough for someone. until then i’ll just drink myself to death. and blow all my cash up my nose. he tries to sleep with me but i know that he doesn’t want to. and it’s obvious. it’s a little depressing. i’ll feel better in the morning. i’m sure. 

Dear B,

I suppose I have severely underestimated our relationship in the past. Thank you for always being there for me. And I’m sorry if i said anything to offend you, that was never my intention. I just want to be there for you, and christ knows I need you there for me. I can’t go it alone, that’s not something I’ll ever be good at. I’m sorry if I’ve done something to embarrass you. I just want you to be mine and be there for me. I need all of the support I can get. I apologize for kicking over your drink. I was too drunk to be in front of anyone, especially you, I don’t like to expose myself that way. Please come to NYC with me, I could use the protection, that sense of security. 

Please. 

-L

Dear S,

I can see the blue in your eyes from here. 

-L